“It’s just a animal”

“It’s just a animal”

Saturday, February 25th, 2012

“it’s just an animal” How often do you hear people say that? I’ve heard that off and on throughout my whole life. It’s sad for many reasons but, mainly it’s sad because of the lack of respect it brings along with it. I’ve discovered that animals have as much personality as you let them have and my Tilly was no exception. I was told she was found on top of a pop machine as a baby. She was originally adopted to give to my mom by someone I was with at the time. Bizarre to me that you would adopt a cat and say “Here you go! Something else to feed!” My mom politely said “No thank you” and we officially had a little skiddish black cat that I named Matilda, Tilly for short.

Pets can truly choose us just as much as we choose them. Tilly chose me. Even in a divorce there was no way in hell that cat was leaving my side. I was her pappa. Our journey together has gone through so many twists and turns and at 5 pounds, in optimal health, she had more spunk and fire in her than any cat double or triple her size. Her back end didn’t quite work right so she walked like she was drunk at times. She was definitely a runt which to me, made her more endearing .She loved to play string, laser lights, belly rubs, resting her head on my shoulder, sitting in my chair, sleeping on my side of the bed and howling just to get my attention. My favorite trick of hers was to go to the closed studio door and act like she wanted out only to use that as a diversion to run back and snag my seat. She worked me like a puppet. “it’s just an animal”… yeah, go ahead and keep thinking that.

Today was one of the roughest days of my life. I lost one of my very best friends. Animals know when you’ve had a bad day, when you’re sick, when you are stressed, when you need a laugh, when you need a cry, they are simply there. They don’t judge you, they just love you and that’s one of the many things I’ll miss about my precious girl. The joy she brought in my life. The guilt of not paying enough attention to her when I’ve been preoccupied. The laughter and the love that she brought into our home. What gets me through is knowing that I’ve not seen the last of her, she’ll always be in my heart but, I’ll see her again someday. She’s no longer in pain and it does my heart good to know that. She went peacefully and with love. I held onto her through her last breath. I owed her that and so much more.

I’m not one of those people that will “never adopt again” after a tragic loss. Tilly will never be replaced but, other animals will need me and there are new adventures to be had. If I lived by the “never adopt again” rule after a tragic loss, I wouldn’t have had the privilege of being a poppa to Tilly. RIP sweet girl…

Finding our place(s) in life

Most of us have gone through ups and down professionally and personally. I was once a prominent resource for my employer, full of knowledge and expertise and called on for just that. Now, I’ve been marginalized for reasons I don’t know. When we slip on ice, it happens so fast we have no idea how we got on the ground. This type of fall is way more painful as it’s pretty much a slow death. It always sucks to fall down but, it’s even worse when it’s slow enough for you to witness first hand.

It also stinks when it’s time to leave and you have no way out. Jobs are a bit scarce and it’s almost like they are daring you everyday to leave, almost praying for it and for no good reason. You search for exactly why you are being treated this way and so undervalued. You’ve come up with countless solutions to help them. All to be ignored and slighted.

There is something more to all of this. When things like this happen, it means you’ve overstayed your welcome. Not so much with that place or with those people but, with THAT moment in your life. It’s like life is nudging you in a certain direction but, you aren’t sure whether to go or not. You missed the bus and life is trying to tell you when the next one is. When life gives us advice, it tends to speak in multiple languages. If we aren’t listening for the right one, we miss the message altogether.

It’s difficult to be in a place where you know you’re only using about 25% of your potential. Not because you are being lazy but, because you simply aren’t allowed to. I’ve realized more and more that it isn’t so much their fault for misusing or undervaluing me rather than my fault for not directing my energy where it can help my path in life. To find a greater, more satisfying existence and purpose. We all need to keep in mind that we really aren’t here that long on this earth and wasting energy on people and places that simply don’t care about us is disrespectful to our soul and life in general. If we focus more on ourselves, the rest will take care of itself. We deserve better and it’s out there for all of us if we hurry and catch that bus…

Out of options

We are simply out of luck. Out of time. Out of options. Out of patience. Out of resources. Out of our minds. The state of this nation is disturbing. That’s the best one word definition I could come up with. I’ve devoted myself to the Obama campaign since before he became number 44. Even with mixed emotions, I will vote for him again. Simply on the grounds of the insanity and uncertainty the right wing has shown. I just want them to come up with a decent candidate to make this interesting and feel more intelligent. Talk about a party that needs a reboot. On the other side, Dems don’t have a spine. They like to talk a lot, but rarely do much more that that. They are usually to wrapped up in the thought of re-election even right after they got elected.

I’ve watched Obama get bullied and pushed around so easily. He’s done some simply amazing things. He’s done some simply stupid things. Overall, I believe he’s been a good President. Certainly an upgrade. When the 2010 elections were going on, I found myself so worked up that I bordered on the brink of insanity. A bit of advice, don’t mix Whiskey with Fox news and MSNBC, the results can be entertaining but, depressing.

I watched Keith Olbermann religiously along with reading and watching other view points. Yes, even Fox News. Keith Took an abrupt exit from TV and it gave me clarity. It caused me to calm down and not get as worked up. I realized I was nothing but talking points. All ANY of us do is regurgitate what we hear on the news. Talking points are such a foundation. We look for the American flag on the lapel before we really try to delve into what the politician is really saying. We fail to see through the propaganda. I still love Keith for what he brings to the table and will continue to watch his show as I can. A perfect storm is Jon Stewart. Real news with some humor. He keeps me centered, at least entertained.

In our increasingly busy lives, we rely more than ever on the news to inform us… or tell us what we want to hear. Both sides of this isle are guilty and it’s an easy trap to fall into. What happens over time is that we lose our ability to see everything clearly. This goes way beyond selecting a party. This is called understanding common problems and having a desire for real solutions regardless of party affiliation. We’ve lost our ability to solve problems. We’re to busy worried what the other side is doing or saying wrong. I’ve learned they ALL have agendas, even our president. It sounds so evil when I say that but, We are truly picking our poison with all of them.

A few good friends have taught me a few things about politics over the last few years. The basic path to clarity is the middle. The answer usually is found there. We also rely too much on other people to fix our problems. We keep waiting for the government to create more jobs and give us more benefits and make it ALL work. This is toxic and can ruin lives. I hope to start looking at government as icing on the cake. The cake is the decisions we make and the work we put in. What the government does well should be viewed as a pleasant surprise. It’s up to us to fix our issues and stop letting ourselves be victims. As a unit, we have more power than any corporation. They are nothing without our money. The government, even with the best intentions, simply can’t help us. WE have to help us.

What if we managed our own money and own lives better? Made better decisions? Created a sense of community again instead of hate? We’re all guilty. I am. You are. Stop digging for your next eavesdropped talking point and use your mind. WE must fix this and be more self sufficient. We’ve all been putting fuel into this viscous circle for to long. Do I all of a sudden have answers? NO, and neither do you. But, I hope we gain a clearer view of where to start looking…

Friends...

Friends. I think we grow up with the expectation that friends are or should be forever. When they aren’t, we get resentful and sometimes angry. “why haven’t they called?” “why haven’t they e-mailed?” “why don’t they make an effort to connect?”. Questions that have crossed all of our minds over our life. I used to get upset with friends for making me ask those questions. But, I’ve come to a better conclusion. Friends are not always meant to stay with us “forever”.

This poem that I’ve found really is beautifully written and puts friends and our relationships with them into perspective:

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown

Did you find who you were looking for?

“Did you find who you were looking for?” The librarian asked….  It took me 34 years to answer her.  I spent the heart of my childhood, ages three to thirteen, in a town called Plainfield, Indiana.  I was one of the less popular people in my class to put it mildly.  My family was wonderful and I really had everything I could ever need or want.  A small handful of friends.  My drawing ability helped me a bit but, for the most part, I was an outcast amongst my classmates.  Socially awkward, chubby and un-athletic.  Not a good combo when you’re trying to impress people.  Plus, if you haven’t heard, ridicule is contagious in the ranks of elementary school. If one group doesn’t like you, just wait, they’ll bring more.

After year ten, the news came that we were leaving.  Optimism washed over me that I would get a fresh start and try to gain acceptance with a very different group of people in a very different place.  I left feeling there was unfinished business, a desire to prove my worth to people who couldn’t care less.  It was difficult but, I buried that desire and left Plainfield without looking back.  Done.

I was bound for a small river town about 40 minutes south called Spencer, Indiana. I knew nothing about this town except for the fact that we were moving there effective immediately. I was scared to death on my first day of school. It’s amazing how much we crave the devil we know over the devil we don’t know.  A whole building full of people I didn’t recognize. It was the first time in my life that I recognized no one.  I stayed in the corner and sketched simply because it was the only familiar thing I could do until I calmed down.  The ol’ pencil and paper was always there to listen.  It may not tell you what you want to hear sometimes but, it’s always there and always honest.

I was so jaded from my previous stomping grounds that I suspected people to be up to no good simply for saying “hello”.  I was waiting for the bus on my first fog filled august morning, and every car that passed me by, waved hello. I have never seen anyone do that, ever.  People were very neighborly and they genuinely took care of each other. I witnessed this both personally and from afar.  It was a display of the human spirit that I rarely was exposed to.  Almost found exclusively in movies, adding to my reluctance at first.

In Plainfield, I was a failing student. I cared less and less everyday.  I felt lost.  That feeling continued into Spencer as I was getting to know my new surroundings.  New places, new people and new everything.  It took about a year of lousy grades and adjustment for things to settle down. I almost failed the 8th grade.  I was simply at the bottom of my academic efforts. I still don’t know how I passed the 8th grade. I didn’t deserve to on grades alone.  Maybe I got pushed through for other reasons. I’ll never know.

Then, i went on to high school.  A light bulb went off. I’d love to give credit to someone or something but, I can’t put my finger on exactly what happened to me.  A transformation took place and I was an honor role student for the first time in my life. I think the secret was that I cared again.  I started to rise out of the heaviness and dark clouds.  I was growing up and realizing my potential and genuinely had something to look forward to for the first time in a while.  Again, keep in mind, that I still had that same amazing family that I had before. What was different is that I started believing their encouragement.  I started to get true friends in my life.  My art was blossoming, my athleticism started showing itself, I got taller and the pounds started coming off. I was breaking free.

Even the parts of my time growing up in Spencer that were bad, turned out to be good or at least for my own good.  I played baseball for the first time. I had a legitimate competitor in my art to push forward and not take things for granted.  I’ve been on both sides of pain. There is pain that can destroy and pain that can inspire. I thank Spencer for the latter.

From a socially awkward, chubby and un-athletic kid to a grown man, confident in who he is and uninterested in other people’s opinions and negativity.  I went back to Plainfield the other day to look at the senior yearbook of what would have been my graduating class.  It was weird to see life move on without me. I felt like I was the kid who died in the car crash watching how everyone grew up and moved on.  Looking how they all turned out and thinking to myself “yeah, that’s about right”. They moved on just like I did.  It’s like I had two separate lives. Two separate childhoods.  As much anger as I held back against many of them, I am in a place where I need to thank them. Thank them for giving me the contrast in my life to appreciate where I am and realize that the best places for those old feelings is indeed IN Plainfield.

I’ve never had such a long time to answer one question in my whole life.  In reflection, my experiences have molded me into who I am today.  I didn’t fully appreciate my journey until that day leaving the library. So, did I find who I was looking for? I simply smiled at the helpful librarian, said “yes”, got in my old faithful red truck and drove Home…

Where is the EXACT moment?

Where is the EXACT moment? The Exact moment where your time is starting to pass you by and “potential” is running out. Without realizing it, you feel as if you are now the spectator. It turns out we have several different instances of similar realizations in our life. The moment where you realize that you are about where you are going to be in life and the big dreams are meant for someone else and you’re just to far behind. Is it squandered opportunities or part of our ultimate life path? You’re struggling to find your purpose or at least your place in life. It’s a funny thing when finally reality and your day dreams collide. The real test we all face. The difference between us all is how we deal with it. Instead of true “success” I think what we are really searching for is contentment. It doesn’t matter what we’re happy about as long as we’re happy. Happiness is strictly defined by the person not the masses. We tend to forget that. We tend to measure success by someone else’s reaction. I find myself envying people not so much for their success but, their happiness. They are happy with their success that they have defined which, is the true meaning of inner peace.

Sadly, the biggest success is defined by who has the biggest audience. This can be misleading and unfair. We live in a world that puts reality TV “stars” up higher on the food chain than a teacher for special needs children or a firefighter or member of our military. Our perception of success is skewed from our very first days. Some of us figure it out, some of us will continue to search and the rest of us will never find it. We struggle with definitions of ourselves in society. What we are really looking for is to have an inner peace with who we are and our connection with everything else. My skewed idea of success and the reality of it collide on a daily basis.

We’ve all accepted awards and accolades with the best of them behind shower curtains or given wonderful speeches to our steering wheel. There is a peak of acceptance within us. Once we’ve reached it, we look in three directions: down, straight ahead and up. Sadly, we judge our self worth on the direction with the least amount of letters. We obsess over how other people are climbing through life. We pay to much attention to the peak of the mountain but, the true beauty is in the journey.

As for the peak, here’s to hoping I keep climbing and never find it….

Human Dumpster Fire

We've all had ex's in our lives right? Of course we have. It's amazing to me that people say that they are over you and it's quite obvious they aren't. I've had my fair share of crazy ex's you just can't be nice to. You think "what's the harm" it's been a while, they've obviously moved on, got married, started a family. Harmless right? WRONG. At the risk of generalizing, ex's are in the past and that's where they should stay. There is nothing to talk about anymore. Move on. They claim they just want to be friends but, no matter how the relationship ended, they are usually up to something. Keeping tabs on your life, rubbing your nose ever so slightly in how good they think they are doing since they been without you. GROW UP! I think most 6^th graders have more on the ball than some of the lunatics I've come in contact with over the last few years. Human dumpster fires that blame everyone else for their problems. I've dealt with it and most recently, Susan has dealt with it as well. I don't feel the need to talk to ex's whether things ended on good terms or not. I'm not talking about the person you were friends with, dated a few times and decided it just wasn't right. I mean the people you had a long, serious relationship with. There was a connection, no matter how normal it seemed back then. Then later you asked yourself "what the hell was I thinking" we all have those. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all have people we've dated that we shouldn't have. Ignored friend's warnings, gut feelings and red flags galore. But, we marched forward thinking we could save them. I've come up with a new definition of these types of people. They're still the same asshole; they've just learned how to lie better. Make you feel bad about your accomplishments and achieving your goals or at least having some goals. You put up with all that and after all that ass wiping, they blame you for everything. No matter what little gleam you think you see of decency, at the end of the day, they are still who they are…Jerks and deadbeats and everything in between.

One of Susan's ex's came up to our camp site one night and was really quite pleasant. Drunk, but pleasant. It made me uneasy as I know it would be for Susan the other way around if an ex of mine came around. I wasn't out to hurt anyone's feelings, just voice my opinion. Caring very much about her man, she deleted him and his wife from myspace. She explained the situation politely and wished them both the best of luck. Which was responded by large, redundant, idiotic e-mails on pretty much how uppity we were and that he was the bigger person. It just proves you can't be nice, civil or mature about things with some people. Their cheap, parlor games and under the table insults were not deserved. I get tired of getting challenged by people half my IQ. They don't get it and they don't get that they don't get it. Even when people are given the opportunity to grow up, they simply choose not to. If I type anymore, I'm afraid I'll be feeding on the bottom with them. Good luck to them both and to anyone who thinks the world owes them something.