Human Dumpster Fire

We've all had ex's in our lives right? Of course we have. It's amazing to me that people say that they are over you and it's quite obvious they aren't. I've had my fair share of crazy ex's you just can't be nice to. You think "what's the harm" it's been a while, they've obviously moved on, got married, started a family. Harmless right? WRONG. At the risk of generalizing, ex's are in the past and that's where they should stay. There is nothing to talk about anymore. Move on. They claim they just want to be friends but, no matter how the relationship ended, they are usually up to something. Keeping tabs on your life, rubbing your nose ever so slightly in how good they think they are doing since they been without you. GROW UP! I think most 6^th graders have more on the ball than some of the lunatics I've come in contact with over the last few years. Human dumpster fires that blame everyone else for their problems. I've dealt with it and most recently, Susan has dealt with it as well. I don't feel the need to talk to ex's whether things ended on good terms or not. I'm not talking about the person you were friends with, dated a few times and decided it just wasn't right. I mean the people you had a long, serious relationship with. There was a connection, no matter how normal it seemed back then. Then later you asked yourself "what the hell was I thinking" we all have those. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all have people we've dated that we shouldn't have. Ignored friend's warnings, gut feelings and red flags galore. But, we marched forward thinking we could save them. I've come up with a new definition of these types of people. They're still the same asshole; they've just learned how to lie better. Make you feel bad about your accomplishments and achieving your goals or at least having some goals. You put up with all that and after all that ass wiping, they blame you for everything. No matter what little gleam you think you see of decency, at the end of the day, they are still who they are…Jerks and deadbeats and everything in between.

One of Susan's ex's came up to our camp site one night and was really quite pleasant. Drunk, but pleasant. It made me uneasy as I know it would be for Susan the other way around if an ex of mine came around. I wasn't out to hurt anyone's feelings, just voice my opinion. Caring very much about her man, she deleted him and his wife from myspace. She explained the situation politely and wished them both the best of luck. Which was responded by large, redundant, idiotic e-mails on pretty much how uppity we were and that he was the bigger person. It just proves you can't be nice, civil or mature about things with some people. Their cheap, parlor games and under the table insults were not deserved. I get tired of getting challenged by people half my IQ. They don't get it and they don't get that they don't get it. Even when people are given the opportunity to grow up, they simply choose not to. If I type anymore, I'm afraid I'll be feeding on the bottom with them. Good luck to them both and to anyone who thinks the world owes them something.

getting there ever so slowly....

Hello Friends! i’ve discovered that i cannot sleep. i’ve decided to make (good?) use of this time and write an overdue blog. Ramblings in the wee hours of the morning. nothing more. Susan has moved down to spencer with me so she can start her new job at authorhouse as a children’s book illustrator. as one creative professional to another, i’m so proud of her. it’s quite an accomplishment when you can do something you like to do for a living. not many people can say that. we’ve both worked crappy, blue collar jobs to get to this point which i feel helps us appreciate where we are at and to not take things for granted. also, susan has moved down here so we can start our new life together. it was hard living at each other’s houses through the week which we were an hour apart. saturday will be 5 months and it’s been an amazing ride. i’ve never found someone who has completed me in so many ways. it’s easy to get insecure about yourself as a person when you’re around such a wonderful person. "Why am I the fortunate one?" "what makes ME wondeful to her?" I’m a perfectionist anyway. i want to be number one at everything. but, i can’t be. none of us can. at the end of the day we’re all just looking to see where we fit in and if it makes us comfortable. perfectionists have a hard time with such things. i feel we all are striving for that perfection at times. some more than others. we all want to be the beautiful/handsome person in the tabloids. the talented painter, musician, athlete, comedian, writer, etc... we want to be the number one person in someone’s life. am i Johnny Depp? Matthew Maconahay? Lewis Black? Dane Cook? Monet? Norman Rockwell? LeBron James? oh god no... but, it’s nice to know we fit in somewhere. all i know for sure is that there was a day not that long ago that i said i would probably not get married again. i’ve changed my mind and believe i’ve found a partner in every sense of the word to grow old with and raise a family together.

i’m rambling a bit, but i warned you. blogs are great because i can rant and rant and not worry that much about it. that’s what you’re supposed to do on these things. well, enough rambling. i believe i’ll try to continue my slumber... farewell friends!

the big move...

back to the big move.... i can’t thank everyone enough for helping us when we needed it the most the last few weeks. you find out who your true friends are when it’s moving day. LOL my transmission in my truck went out right as i was heading to indy to get the first load. i was so aggrevated. I can’t thank my friends donnie and amy enough for helping us. they sacrificed two weekends to come and help us plus have let us borrow a vehicle when we needed it to get things done. all of that and they didn’t blink an eye. i certainly understand people that just couldn’t make it out or had previous engagements. we had some setbacks but, we had some real triumphs considering the circumstances. a special thanks goes out to Joanna and Brian for helping us on joanna’s ONLY and i mean ONLY day off during the month to come help move a piano into a truck and just be there to help. that really meant alot.

i’d also like to personally thank tracy for her help and use of her truck. each day we got kicked in the teeth by one setback or another and it was friends like donnie, amy, joanna, brian and tracy that helped save the day. they helped turn crappy days into productive ones. susan got her new job sooner than she expected so we had to speed things up from a month and a half to move into about two and a half weeks. this move has been one for the books and i’ve eaten more fast food during this than any one man should consume EVER. but, we’re all in the same place now. all 5 of us. we have 3 cats/children total. it has been challenging. i’ll just leave it at that but, we are managing and trying to put our home together. fellow spencerians(?) please join me in welcoming susan into the community and making her feel welcome. be good my friends and we will talk again soon.

reflections....

we all wait for that day... the day where we will turn the corner and everything will change for the better. you'll quit smoking, start that diet, start working out, stick to a budget....etc. but, what i've discovered is that we don't know if that first day of the rest of our lives is what it is until we reflect and look back. we wake up with good intentions but we never know if something has stuck and we've made a change for the better until we look back. we're all ready to quit smoking right in the middle of that cigarette for example. ofcoarse you're ready to quit. you just got your nicotine fix for the moment. the real strength comes when you want a cigarrete and you tell your body no. same thing with food, exercise or whatever goal you have. self discipline. we're all just trying to beat the surgeon general's warning stat. nothing is gauranteed. you can have a guy that has never touched a cigarette and drop over dead while running his marathon and have a 85 year old woman who chain smokes, never have a problem. that's where fate comes in for me. we go when we are supposed to go. life really is too short so, live life how you want. the one thing we do have control over is the quality of life we can have while we're here.

another set of ramblings...

hello again friends! it's been a while since i've written a blog. so i thought i'd spit one out. things have been crazy in a good way. i've made yet another discovery about myself. i'm a people pleaser. to a fault at times. i'll do things i don't want to do, go places i don't want to go, just to please someone. it's not about putting myself first. it's about putting myself at equal level with someone and realizing that i count too. to be honest, i'm not comfortable with people doing things for me. i have no idea why. i've been that way since i was a kid.

i don't like accepting compliments either. i've gotten better over the years. i've always appreciated them and i've learned to say thank you. i never felt worthy enough for compliments sometimes. bizzare, i know. i don't like alot of attention drawn to me. i sit in my cube at work and just get into a zone. there are alot of days where i would just like to be off in a corner doing my thing. then i'll turn completely around and enjoy interaction with everyone. guess i'm moody. i HATE repetitve noise. scanners scanning, people talking, clacking of keyboards, redundant jokes, redundant jokes. guess that's why alarm clocks work so well for me. being a perfectionist is a blessing and a curse. i've been praised for work i've done that i've found 10 flaws in. where's the happy medium? the happy medium where you still have the hunger to get better but at the same time, you can give yourself a pat on the back and feel good about your work. i'm still struggling to find it. i hesitate to draw sometimes because i want every line i put down to be perfect and in the right place. if i don't feel i can do that, i don't usually bother. as an artist, that's a horrible way to look at it. susan told me that you have to go through 10 bad pieces to get to that good one and you won't get to that good one until you go through the bad ones. so, i have to get brave and accept, almost welcome, these bad pieces to get to my good ones. it's hard for me but, if i want to reach new heights then that's what needs to happen. my art has become stale because of my primitive thinking. anyway, i hope to reverse alot of this thinking and create a new, creative sense of self. wish me luck and thanks for reading.

ramblings... a working title — Friday, January 25, 2008

hello again friends! just a warning, some of my blogs will have some points to them, others will not. this one might be the latter. my job is going as well as ever. being recognized for your skills and talents is wonderful. the important thing is to have a slice of that humble pie once in a while to keep ourselves in check. atleast, that's what i try to do. there is a difference between confidence and cockiness.

there are times in my life where i do feel like an outcast, that i was born in the wrong time period. has that happened to any of you? the world is full of so much crap. violence, abuse (emotional and physical), drugs, adultry, molestation, "war", gas prices, politics, wacky sex acts and organized religion. the lack of standards by people is quite disturbing. as people, we want to "fit in", listen to the cool music, understand the "in" writers and poets. we generally want to be "cool" and just "get it". we want acceptance and sometimes we'll do certain things (some of us will do anything) we normally wouldn't do to feel that brief moment of acceptance. we are a society built on fear and guilt. "you better do this or you'll go to hell" okay, that's too far the other way. i'm sure you've heard that moderation is the key to life. that is so true.

my art has suffered as of late. i'm calling it art again without quotes. i was questioning my own artistic ability in a previous blog but, no more. i was forgetting that art is subjective and screw the rest of them. i want to draw again without fear. like when i was 7 and i just drew what i wanted and never worried about it being good or bad. creation!! the creative process can be the ultimate high. i feel it has the potential to be the closest thing to parenthood if you let it. think about it, building something from scratch and mold it as if you would your child. with your personality, style and charisma. whether you draw or paint or scrapbook, be creative. it's a gift. a wonderful gift. your gift. don't let people cut you down. i get afraid people won't like what i put down on the paper. i've lost what it means to create. i'm working hard to change that and be comfortable in my own skin artisically again.

in my line of work, i've had people get very emotional, in a good way, about my book covers. on the other side, i've had people ask for my resignation to put it politely. the one thing i can come away from that, aside from an ever thickening hide, is the fact that i tried to give them my best. that's all i can ever do. never be upset with good intentions. care about getting better. set the bar higher. want more for yourself. don't be satisfied. but, never forget to enjoy your life. it's great to have goals, but getting lost in them is horrible. that's where the moderation comes in i spoke of previously. i don't get upset with people screwing up, if they really try and care about what they are doing. it's the people that intentionally try to hurt you or mess you up that are jerks.

on to baseball... my beloved st. louis cardinals are officially cleaning house. some of the best players i've enjoyed seeing play over the past several years are gone. david eckstein, jim edmonds and scott rolen to name a few. i have shirts of all 3. i'll still wear them because they are a perminent part of the franchise lore. the 2006 championship team cememented that. from a business standpoint, i see why they've let everyone go. edmonds is a concussion away from retirement and hopefully wil get a job in the booth unless that concussion word happens this next season in san diego. he'll be a natural. scott rolen's shoulder might send him to early retirement and eckstein just signed somewhere else. odd that toronto will have rolen and eckstein in the infield. i think the cards are trying to stock pile draft picks and money so they can get another competitve roster before pujols gets too old. pujols will play into his earlt 40's in my opinion. i feel we are watching the resurrection of an edgar martinez of sorts. pujols just gets better at swinging the bat. he won't have the power at 40 that he does now, nor will he be able to hit like tony gwynn but, i could still see him a tough out DH down the road for a contender. maybe get him another ring while he's at it. he's 28 and already had a shot a 2 rings and has won one. wait-n-see.

thanks again for listening... err. reading... more later....

Heath Ledger — Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The sad news was passed along to me today that Heath Ledger has died. Suspicions of drug OD are out there. To some, he was just eye candy that made every woman want him. The real tragedy is that a wonderfully versatile actor, husband and (the worst part) a father. instead of wondering whether his role in the batman movie was completed, just celebrate his contributions to the silver screen and how revered he was in the industry. to be honest, i really don't know much about him but, i can tell by people's reactions and my opinion's of the films i did see him in, he will be missed. from what i could tell, he didn't fall into the "pretty boy" model, much like Johnny Depp, he cared about doing roles that meant something and he didn't mind getting his hands dirty doing it. Bottom line, it is quite sad to lose such a creative person.

RIP

just another day... Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I've come along way since i've turned 30. allot has happened to me. good and bad. i feel i've grown artistically but, on the flip side i feel i've come to some horrible realizations. i'm afraid of success and failure. that may be kinda hard to understand. i have trouble with it myself. if i have sucess, then i'm afraid i won't have it very long so i don't get to enjoy it as much as next next person might. if i fail, then it just fuels my doubts when i do suceed. wierd i know.

i've made my art reputation on drawing stuff from photographs. as much as it takes talent to have an eye for composition and layout. i can't really call myself an actual artist. someone that can make something from scratch without reference or much of one. i love to draw comic book characters. i grew up wanting to be a comic book illustrator. i look back on stuff now and realize that i'm just a mish-mash of other people's style. nothing of my own. my favorite quote when it comes to art is simply this... "An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail." i've never heard the truth spoken so loud and clear in my opinion.

i'm at a wierd crossroads with my artistic life. the main thing that artists want in my opinion, is respect for what they do. it's awesome to get compliments from people. but, it means so much more when you get complimented by your peers. the average person (i mean artistically) is always amazed to see someone do something they can't or don't want to do. i do it too to people who possess gifts i don't. i try to enjoy the creative process but, i have a drive and stubborness to be the best at what i do. i stay humble to stay focused. i've seen all sorts of artistic people in my life from the humble to the down right arrogant. design and art are two different beasts but, it takes talent and skill to do both. as talented as i was told i was growing up, i still had to work at it allot. it just came easier to me than most i was around. i always wanted to help people learn if they wanted and never talk down to them becasue i was once that nervous kid afraid to ask questions. art should be fun and whether i'm a full blown "artist" is irrelevant to me. i know what i can do and i know what i'd like to do. i could care less what the arrogant art people think. i grew tired of their arrogance in college when i was a fine arts major. let's make this clear that i AM generalizing and DO NOT in any way shape or form think all artistic people are like this. nowhere close. i'm just venting about something i wanted to get off my chest since i was in college almost 15 years ago. i loved my classmates and the love for art they brought from their different backgrounds. they never judged, they were just able to "BE". people try to place opinons as facts in a very subjective art world. i'd like to see a world where people can create more without some art snob huffing and rolling their eyes. grow up.... thanks for listening friends....

Blog wackiness

Hello friends, co-workers, etc….! I've come to some realizations about myself and have decided to do a regular blog. I know that I talk people's arm's off about stuff they could care less about and analyze things until they no longer have a heartbeat. This blog allows my friends the OPTION to see what's on my mind and I still feel like I'm getting heard. Nice compromise I think. I wrote a blog the other night and I felt better about the little stresses I've had building up for a while. I felt allot better actually. I can just write without someone staring at their watch or tapping their foot trying to figure out how to change the subject. It's great. I probably won't be writing everyday. I'm sure I'll go through streaks with my world famous tangents. If we can't laugh at ourselves then who can we laugh at? it's a good way to stay humble. I'll be writing more later if your interested….