another set of ramblings...

hello again friends! it's been a while since i've written a blog. so i thought i'd spit one out. things have been crazy in a good way. i've made yet another discovery about myself. i'm a people pleaser. to a fault at times. i'll do things i don't want to do, go places i don't want to go, just to please someone. it's not about putting myself first. it's about putting myself at equal level with someone and realizing that i count too. to be honest, i'm not comfortable with people doing things for me. i have no idea why. i've been that way since i was a kid.

i don't like accepting compliments either. i've gotten better over the years. i've always appreciated them and i've learned to say thank you. i never felt worthy enough for compliments sometimes. bizzare, i know. i don't like alot of attention drawn to me. i sit in my cube at work and just get into a zone. there are alot of days where i would just like to be off in a corner doing my thing. then i'll turn completely around and enjoy interaction with everyone. guess i'm moody. i HATE repetitve noise. scanners scanning, people talking, clacking of keyboards, redundant jokes, redundant jokes. guess that's why alarm clocks work so well for me. being a perfectionist is a blessing and a curse. i've been praised for work i've done that i've found 10 flaws in. where's the happy medium? the happy medium where you still have the hunger to get better but at the same time, you can give yourself a pat on the back and feel good about your work. i'm still struggling to find it. i hesitate to draw sometimes because i want every line i put down to be perfect and in the right place. if i don't feel i can do that, i don't usually bother. as an artist, that's a horrible way to look at it. susan told me that you have to go through 10 bad pieces to get to that good one and you won't get to that good one until you go through the bad ones. so, i have to get brave and accept, almost welcome, these bad pieces to get to my good ones. it's hard for me but, if i want to reach new heights then that's what needs to happen. my art has become stale because of my primitive thinking. anyway, i hope to reverse alot of this thinking and create a new, creative sense of self. wish me luck and thanks for reading.