reflections....

we all wait for that day... the day where we will turn the corner and everything will change for the better. you'll quit smoking, start that diet, start working out, stick to a budget....etc. but, what i've discovered is that we don't know if that first day of the rest of our lives is what it is until we reflect and look back. we wake up with good intentions but we never know if something has stuck and we've made a change for the better until we look back. we're all ready to quit smoking right in the middle of that cigarette for example. ofcoarse you're ready to quit. you just got your nicotine fix for the moment. the real strength comes when you want a cigarrete and you tell your body no. same thing with food, exercise or whatever goal you have. self discipline. we're all just trying to beat the surgeon general's warning stat. nothing is gauranteed. you can have a guy that has never touched a cigarette and drop over dead while running his marathon and have a 85 year old woman who chain smokes, never have a problem. that's where fate comes in for me. we go when we are supposed to go. life really is too short so, live life how you want. the one thing we do have control over is the quality of life we can have while we're here.

another set of ramblings...

hello again friends! it's been a while since i've written a blog. so i thought i'd spit one out. things have been crazy in a good way. i've made yet another discovery about myself. i'm a people pleaser. to a fault at times. i'll do things i don't want to do, go places i don't want to go, just to please someone. it's not about putting myself first. it's about putting myself at equal level with someone and realizing that i count too. to be honest, i'm not comfortable with people doing things for me. i have no idea why. i've been that way since i was a kid.

i don't like accepting compliments either. i've gotten better over the years. i've always appreciated them and i've learned to say thank you. i never felt worthy enough for compliments sometimes. bizzare, i know. i don't like alot of attention drawn to me. i sit in my cube at work and just get into a zone. there are alot of days where i would just like to be off in a corner doing my thing. then i'll turn completely around and enjoy interaction with everyone. guess i'm moody. i HATE repetitve noise. scanners scanning, people talking, clacking of keyboards, redundant jokes, redundant jokes. guess that's why alarm clocks work so well for me. being a perfectionist is a blessing and a curse. i've been praised for work i've done that i've found 10 flaws in. where's the happy medium? the happy medium where you still have the hunger to get better but at the same time, you can give yourself a pat on the back and feel good about your work. i'm still struggling to find it. i hesitate to draw sometimes because i want every line i put down to be perfect and in the right place. if i don't feel i can do that, i don't usually bother. as an artist, that's a horrible way to look at it. susan told me that you have to go through 10 bad pieces to get to that good one and you won't get to that good one until you go through the bad ones. so, i have to get brave and accept, almost welcome, these bad pieces to get to my good ones. it's hard for me but, if i want to reach new heights then that's what needs to happen. my art has become stale because of my primitive thinking. anyway, i hope to reverse alot of this thinking and create a new, creative sense of self. wish me luck and thanks for reading.