“Did you find who you were looking for?” The librarian asked…. It took me 34 years to answer her. I spent the heart of my childhood, ages three to thirteen, in a town called Plainfield, Indiana. I was one of the less popular people in my class to put it mildly. My family was wonderful and I really had everything I could ever need or want. A small handful of friends. My drawing ability helped me a bit but, for the most part, I was an outcast amongst my classmates. Socially awkward, chubby and un-athletic. Not a good combo when you’re trying to impress people. Plus, if you haven’t heard, ridicule is contagious in the ranks of elementary school. If one group doesn’t like you, just wait, they’ll bring more.
After year ten, the news came that we were leaving. Optimism washed over me that I would get a fresh start and try to gain acceptance with a very different group of people in a very different place. I left feeling there was unfinished business, a desire to prove my worth to people who couldn’t care less. It was difficult but, I buried that desire and left Plainfield without looking back. Done.
I was bound for a small river town about 40 minutes south called Spencer, Indiana. I knew nothing about this town except for the fact that we were moving there effective immediately. I was scared to death on my first day of school. It’s amazing how much we crave the devil we know over the devil we don’t know. A whole building full of people I didn’t recognize. It was the first time in my life that I recognized no one. I stayed in the corner and sketched simply because it was the only familiar thing I could do until I calmed down. The ol’ pencil and paper was always there to listen. It may not tell you what you want to hear sometimes but, it’s always there and always honest.
I was so jaded from my previous stomping grounds that I suspected people to be up to no good simply for saying “hello”. I was waiting for the bus on my first fog filled august morning, and every car that passed me by, waved hello. I have never seen anyone do that, ever. People were very neighborly and they genuinely took care of each other. I witnessed this both personally and from afar. It was a display of the human spirit that I rarely was exposed to. Almost found exclusively in movies, adding to my reluctance at first.
In Plainfield, I was a failing student. I cared less and less everyday. I felt lost. That feeling continued into Spencer as I was getting to know my new surroundings. New places, new people and new everything. It took about a year of lousy grades and adjustment for things to settle down. I almost failed the 8th grade. I was simply at the bottom of my academic efforts. I still don’t know how I passed the 8th grade. I didn’t deserve to on grades alone. Maybe I got pushed through for other reasons. I’ll never know.
Then, i went on to high school. A light bulb went off. I’d love to give credit to someone or something but, I can’t put my finger on exactly what happened to me. A transformation took place and I was an honor role student for the first time in my life. I think the secret was that I cared again. I started to rise out of the heaviness and dark clouds. I was growing up and realizing my potential and genuinely had something to look forward to for the first time in a while. Again, keep in mind, that I still had that same amazing family that I had before. What was different is that I started believing their encouragement. I started to get true friends in my life. My art was blossoming, my athleticism started showing itself, I got taller and the pounds started coming off. I was breaking free.
Even the parts of my time growing up in Spencer that were bad, turned out to be good or at least for my own good. I played baseball for the first time. I had a legitimate competitor in my art to push forward and not take things for granted. I’ve been on both sides of pain. There is pain that can destroy and pain that can inspire. I thank Spencer for the latter.
From a socially awkward, chubby and un-athletic kid to a grown man, confident in who he is and uninterested in other people’s opinions and negativity. I went back to Plainfield the other day to look at the senior yearbook of what would have been my graduating class. It was weird to see life move on without me. I felt like I was the kid who died in the car crash watching how everyone grew up and moved on. Looking how they all turned out and thinking to myself “yeah, that’s about right”. They moved on just like I did. It’s like I had two separate lives. Two separate childhoods. As much anger as I held back against many of them, I am in a place where I need to thank them. Thank them for giving me the contrast in my life to appreciate where I am and realize that the best places for those old feelings is indeed IN Plainfield.
I’ve never had such a long time to answer one question in my whole life. In reflection, my experiences have molded me into who I am today. I didn’t fully appreciate my journey until that day leaving the library. So, did I find who I was looking for? I simply smiled at the helpful librarian, said “yes”, got in my old faithful red truck and drove Home…
After year ten, the news came that we were leaving. Optimism washed over me that I would get a fresh start and try to gain acceptance with a very different group of people in a very different place. I left feeling there was unfinished business, a desire to prove my worth to people who couldn’t care less. It was difficult but, I buried that desire and left Plainfield without looking back. Done.
I was bound for a small river town about 40 minutes south called Spencer, Indiana. I knew nothing about this town except for the fact that we were moving there effective immediately. I was scared to death on my first day of school. It’s amazing how much we crave the devil we know over the devil we don’t know. A whole building full of people I didn’t recognize. It was the first time in my life that I recognized no one. I stayed in the corner and sketched simply because it was the only familiar thing I could do until I calmed down. The ol’ pencil and paper was always there to listen. It may not tell you what you want to hear sometimes but, it’s always there and always honest.
I was so jaded from my previous stomping grounds that I suspected people to be up to no good simply for saying “hello”. I was waiting for the bus on my first fog filled august morning, and every car that passed me by, waved hello. I have never seen anyone do that, ever. People were very neighborly and they genuinely took care of each other. I witnessed this both personally and from afar. It was a display of the human spirit that I rarely was exposed to. Almost found exclusively in movies, adding to my reluctance at first.
In Plainfield, I was a failing student. I cared less and less everyday. I felt lost. That feeling continued into Spencer as I was getting to know my new surroundings. New places, new people and new everything. It took about a year of lousy grades and adjustment for things to settle down. I almost failed the 8th grade. I was simply at the bottom of my academic efforts. I still don’t know how I passed the 8th grade. I didn’t deserve to on grades alone. Maybe I got pushed through for other reasons. I’ll never know.
Then, i went on to high school. A light bulb went off. I’d love to give credit to someone or something but, I can’t put my finger on exactly what happened to me. A transformation took place and I was an honor role student for the first time in my life. I think the secret was that I cared again. I started to rise out of the heaviness and dark clouds. I was growing up and realizing my potential and genuinely had something to look forward to for the first time in a while. Again, keep in mind, that I still had that same amazing family that I had before. What was different is that I started believing their encouragement. I started to get true friends in my life. My art was blossoming, my athleticism started showing itself, I got taller and the pounds started coming off. I was breaking free.
Even the parts of my time growing up in Spencer that were bad, turned out to be good or at least for my own good. I played baseball for the first time. I had a legitimate competitor in my art to push forward and not take things for granted. I’ve been on both sides of pain. There is pain that can destroy and pain that can inspire. I thank Spencer for the latter.
From a socially awkward, chubby and un-athletic kid to a grown man, confident in who he is and uninterested in other people’s opinions and negativity. I went back to Plainfield the other day to look at the senior yearbook of what would have been my graduating class. It was weird to see life move on without me. I felt like I was the kid who died in the car crash watching how everyone grew up and moved on. Looking how they all turned out and thinking to myself “yeah, that’s about right”. They moved on just like I did. It’s like I had two separate lives. Two separate childhoods. As much anger as I held back against many of them, I am in a place where I need to thank them. Thank them for giving me the contrast in my life to appreciate where I am and realize that the best places for those old feelings is indeed IN Plainfield.
I’ve never had such a long time to answer one question in my whole life. In reflection, my experiences have molded me into who I am today. I didn’t fully appreciate my journey until that day leaving the library. So, did I find who I was looking for? I simply smiled at the helpful librarian, said “yes”, got in my old faithful red truck and drove Home…
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